Classic jokes

第一次与最后一次


　　乔治35岁时买了架小型飞机，并开始学习驾驶。不久，他就能很娴熟地驾机做各种各样的特技飞行了。

　　乔治有个朋友名叫马克。一天，乔治主动邀请马克乘他的飞机上天兜一圈。马克心想，“我乘大客机飞行过好几次，还从来没有乘过小飞机，我不妨试一试。”

　　升空后，乔治飞了有半个小时，在空中做了各种各样的飞行特技。

　　后来他们着陆了。马克很高兴能够安全返回地面。他用颤抖的声音对他的朋友说：“乔治，非常感谢你让我乘小飞机做了两次飞行。”

　　乔治非常吃惊地问：“两次飞行？”

　　“是的，我的第一次和最后一次。”马克答道。

  

My First and My Last


When George was thirty-five, he bought a small plane and learned to fly it. He soon became very good and made his plane do all kinds of tricks.

George had a friend. His name was Mark. One day George offered to take Mark up in his plane. Mark thought, "I've travelled in a big plane several times, but I've never been in a small one, so I'll go."

They went up, and George flew around for half an hour and did all kinds of tricks in the air.

When they came down again, Mark was very glad to be back safely, and he said to his friend in a shaking voice, "Well, George, thank you very much for those two trips in your plane."

Gerogy was very surprised and said, "Two trips?"

"Yes, my first and my last," answered Mark.


第一次坐飞机


　　约翰逊先生从前未乘过飞机，他读过许多关于飞行事故的报道。所以，有一天一位朋友邀请他乘自己的小飞机飞行时，约翰逊先生非常担心，不敢接受。不过，由于朋友不断保证说飞行是很安全的，约翰逊先生终于被说服了，登上了飞机。

　　他的朋友启动引擎开始在机场跑道上滑行。约翰逊先生听说飞行中最危险的是起飞与降落，所以他吓得紧闭双眼。

　　过了一两分钟，他睁开双眼朝窗外望去，接着对朋友说道：“看下面那些人，他们看起来就象蚂蚁一样小，是不是？”

　　“那些就是蚂蚁，”他的朋友答道，“我们还在地面上。”

  

First Flight


Mr. Johnson had never been up in an aerophane before and he had read a lot about air accidents, so one day when a friend offered to take him for a ride in his own small phane, Mr. Johnson was very worried about accepting. Finally, however, his friend persuaded him that it was very safe, and Mr. Johnson boarded the plane.

His friend started the engine and began to taxi onto the runway of the airport. Mr. Johnson had heard that the most dangerous part of a flight were the take-off and the landing, so he was extremely frightened and closed his eyes.

After a minute or two he opened them again, looked out of the window of the plane, and said to his friend, "Look at those people down there. They look as small as ants, don't they?"

"Those are ants," answered his friend. "We're still on the ground."


钉子还是苍蝇？


　　一位视力正在衰退的老绅士住进了一家旅馆的客房。他双手各拿一瓶酒。在墙上有只苍蝇，他误以为是枚钉子。他把两只瓶子朝上一挂，瓶子掉下来摔碎了，酒洒了一地。一个女服务员发现发生的事情以后，对他深表同情，决定帮他个忙。

　　于是，第二天早上他到楼顶花园散步时，她把一枚钉子钉在了苍蝇停过的地方。

　　这里，老人回到了房里。倒洒的酒味让他想起了那件事。他抬头往墙上一看，苍蝇又停在了那儿!他轻手轻脚地走近，使尽全力拍了一掌。听到一声大叫，好心的女服务员冲进房来。让她大为吃惊的是，可怜的老头正坐在地板上，牙关紧咬，右手滴血不止。

  

A Nail Or A Fly?


An old gentleman whose eyesight was failing came to stay in a hotel room with a bottle of wine in each hand. On the wall there was a fly which he took for a nail. So the moment he hung them on, the bottles fell broken and the wine spilt all over the floor. When a waitress discovered what had happened, she showed deep sympathy for him and decided to do him a favour.

So the next morning when he was out taking a walk in the roof garden, she hammered a nail exactly where the fly had stayed.

Now the old man entered his room. The smell of the spilt wine reminded him of the accident. When he looked up at the wall, he found the fly was there again! He walked to it carefully adn slapped it with all his strength. On hearing a loud cry, the kind-hearted waitress rushed in. To her great surprise, the poor old man was there sitting on the floor, his teeth clenched and his right hand bleeding!


其余的事由我负责


　　一位车上的列车员刚发出信号让火车启动，这时他看见一位很漂亮的姑娘站在站台上一节打开的车厢门旁边，跟车厢里另一位漂亮姑娘在说话。

　　“快点，小姐!”他喊道：“请把门关上。”

　　“噢，我还没有和妹妹吻别呢。”她回答道。

　　“请把门关上好了，”列车员说：“其余的事由我负责。”

  

I'll See to the Rest


A guard was about to signal his train to start when he saw an attractive girl standing on the platform by an open door, talking to another pretty girl inside the carriage.

"Come on, miss!" he shouted. "Shut the door, please!"

"Oh, I just want to kiss my sister goodbye," she called back.

"You just shut that door, please," called the guard, "and I'll see to the rest."


热与冷


　　蒙特利尔自助餐厅的一位顾客拧开盥洗室的龙头，结果被水烫伤了。“这太可恶了，”他抱怨道，“标着C的龙头流出的是开水。”

　　“可是，先生，C代表Chaude－法语里代表‘热’。如果您居住在蒙特利尔的话就得知道这一点。”

　　“等等，”那位顾客咆哮一声，“另外一个龙头同样标的是C。”

　　“当然，”经理说道：“它代表冷。毕竟，蒙特利尔是个双语城市。”

  

Chaude and Cold


A patron in Montreal cafe turned on a tap in the washroom and got scalded. "This is an outrage," he complained. "The faucet marked C gave me boiling water."

"But, Monsieur, C stands for chaude - French for hot. You should know that if you live in Montreal."

"Wait a minute," roared the patron. "The other tap is also marked C."

"Of course," said the manager, "It stands for cold. After all, Montreal is a bilingual city."


兵的高招


　　由于生意方面的事，罗宾逊先生得出趟门。因为有点紧急，他决定坐飞机。乘机旅行时，他喜欢靠窗坐，故而一登机，他就寻找一个靠窗的座位。他发现只有一个靠窗的座位还空着。在那空座位边坐着一名士兵。令罗宾逊先生纳闷的是，这位士兵没有坐靠窗的位置。罗宾逊先生不管那些，他马上径直朝那个空座位走去。

　　然而，等到了那儿，他看见座位上有则启事，是用钢笔写的：“为保持装载平衡，特预设该位置，谢谢合作。”罗宾逊先生还从来没有在飞机上见过如此不同寻常的启事。不过，他想飞机上一定装了什么特别重的物品，于是他找了个不靠窗的位置。

　　又有两三个乘客试图坐在那个士兵旁的靠窗座位上，他们看到那则启事就走开了。当快满座时，一位非常美丽的姑娘匆匆走进机舱。一直在注意进舱旅客的那个士兵赶紧拿掉他旁边空座位上的启事。士兵用这种办法，成功地找到了一位姑娘一路作伴。

  

A Soldier's Brilliant Idea


Mr. Robinson had to travel somewhere on business, and as he was in a hurry, he decided to go by air. He liked sitting beside a window when he was flying, so when he got on to the plane, he looked for a window seat. He found all of them had already had been taken except for one. There was a soldier sitting in the seat beside this one, and Mr. Robinson was surprised that he had not taken the one by the window; but, anyhow, he at once went towards it.

When he reached it, however, he saw that there was a notice on it. It was written in ink and said, "This seat is preserved for proper load balance, thank you." Mr Robinson had never seen such an unusual notice in a plane before, but he thought that the plane must be carrying something particularly heavy in it, so he walked on and found another empty seat, not beside a window, to sit in.

Two or three people tried to sit in the window seat beside the soldier, but they too read the notice and went on, when the plane was nearly full, a very beautiful girl hurried into the plane. The soldier, who was watching the passengers coming in, quickly took the notice off the seat beside himself and in this way succeededin having the company of the girl during the whole trip.


新发现


　　一个乡下人第一次到大城市游逛。他走进一座大楼，看见一个岁数很大的矮胖女人迈进一个小房间。房间的门随后关上，有几个灯在闪亮。一会儿，门开了，电梯里走出一位年青漂亮的女模特。

　　乡下人惊奇地眨着眼睛，慢吞吞地说：“我应该把我的老婆带来!”

  

New Discovery


A hillbilly was visiting the big city for the first time. Entering an office building, he saw a pudgy older woman step into a small room. The doors closed, lights flashed, and after a while the door slid open and a beautiful young model stepped off the elevator.

Blinking in amazement, the hillbilly drawled, "I should have brought my wife!"


一个坏印象


　　有六个人搭乘火车旅行，坐在同一车箱内。其中五个很安静，也很规矩。但第六个是个粗鲁的年轻人，给其他乘客招惹了许多麻烦。

　　最后，这位年轻人在一个车站带着两个沉重的皮箱下了车。没有一个旅客帮他的忙。有个人一直等到这位粗鲁的年轻人走得很远了，才打开窗户，对着他大声喊：“你把东西留在车厢里了!”然后，又把窗户关了起来。

　　年轻人转过身子，拎着两个沉甸甸的皮箱，匆匆赶了回来。他转回来时，显得非常疲倦，对着窗户大声喊：“我把什么东西留在车上了？”

　　当火车再次启动时，叫他回来的旅客打开窗户说：“一个极坏的印象!”

  

A Bad Impression


Six people were travelling in a compartment on a train. Five of them were quiet and well behaved, but the sixth was a rude young man who was causing a lot of trouble to the other passengers.

At last this young man got out at a station with his two heavy bags. None of the other passengers helped him, but one of them waited until the rude young man was very far away and then opened the window and shouted to him, "You left something behind in the compartment!" Then he closed the window again.

The young man truned around and hurried back with his two bags. He was very tired when he arrived, but he shouted through the window, "What did I leave behind?"

As the train began to move again, the passenger who had called him back opened the window and said, "A very bad impression!"


安眠药


　　鲍勃晚上失眠。他去看医生，医生给他开了一些强力安眠药。

　　星期天晚上鲍勃吃了药，睡得很好，在闹钟响之前就醒了过来。他到了办公室，遛达进去，对老板说：“我今天早上起床一点麻烦都没有。”

　　“好啊!”老板吼道，“那你星期一和星期二到哪儿去了？”

  

Sleeping Pills


Bob was having trouble getting to sleep at night. He went to see his doctor, who prescribed some extra-strong sleeping pills.

Sunday night Bob took the pills, slept well and was awake before he heard the alarm. He took his time getting to the office, strolled in and said to his boss: "I didn't have a bit of trouble getting up this morning."

"That's fine," roared the boss, "but where were you Monday and Tuesday?"


创造性


　　第一次求职时，我意识到在列举我所具备的为数不多的条件时，得有点创造性。当问及我是否受过其它的培训时，我老实地回答说我花了三年时间学计算机程序设计课。我得到了那份工作。

　　我没有提到那门功课我重复学了三年才考及格。

  

Creative


Applying for my first job, I realized I had to be creative in listing my few qualifications. Asked about additional schooling and training, I answered truthfully that I had spent three years in computer programming classes. I got the job.

I had neglected to mention that I took the same course for three years before I passed.



催　单


　　我是一家兽医站的技师。当动物到了该注射疫苗的时候，我们就寄出催单。一条德国物质牧羊犬布鲁诺来做每年一次的狂犬疫苗注射。我们依照州法律的要求询问他的主人，在过去的十天里布鲁诺是否咬了什么人。“噢，是的。事实上这正是我们到这儿来的原因，”她回答说。我觉得奇怪，告诉她我们以为他们是因为收到了我们的催单才来的。

　　“的确如此，”她解释道。“布鲁诺咬了给你们送催单的邮递员。”

  

Reminder


In the veterinary office where I'm a technician, we mail out reminders when pets are due for vaccinations. Bruno, a German shepherd, arrived for his annual rabies shot, and we were required by state law to ask his owner if Bruno had bitten anyone in the last ten days. "Oh yes, in fact that's why we're here," she replied. Surprised, I told her we assumed they'd come in because of our reminder.

"We did," she explained. "Bruno bit the mail carrier who was delivering your card."


模仿鸟儿


　　一个人想在一个舞台剧中找份工作。“你能干什么呢？”负责人问。

　　“模仿鸟儿，”那人说。

　　“你在开玩笑吧？”负责人答道，“那样的人一毛钱可以找一打。”

　　“噢，那就算了。”那名演员说着，展开翅膀，飞出了窗口。

  

Imitate Birds


A man tried to get a job in a stage show. "What can you do?" asked the producer.

"Imitate birds," the man said.

"Are you kidding?" answered the producer, "People like that are a dime a dozen."

"Well, I guess that's that." said the actor, as he spread his arms and flew out the window.


你是怎样来的？


　　一个冬天的早晨，一名雇员解释他为什么迟到了四十五分钟才起来上班。“外面太滑了，我每向前迈一步，就要向后退两步。”

　　老板狐疑地看着他。“噢，是吗？那你是怎样到这里来的？”

　　“后来我决定放弃，”他说，“然后我就往家里走。”

  

How Did You Ever Get Here


One winter morning, an employee explained why he had shown up for work 45 minutes late. "It was so slippery out that for every step I took ahead, I slipped back two."

The boss eyed him suspiciously. "Oh, yeah? Then how did you ever get here?"

"I finally gave up," he said, "and started for home."


三个外科医生


　　三个有名的外科医生正在吹嘘他们的技术。“一个人断了一只手，他来找我，”一个说，“如今那个人是个音乐会的小提琴手。”

　　“这算不了什么，”另一个说。“一个家伙两条腿断了，他来找我，我将它们接了回去。如今，那人是马拉松选手。”

　　“我比你们两个都强，”第三个说，“一天，我碰到一起可怕的车祸。除了一个马屁股，和一幅眼睛，什么都没有留下。如今，那人坐在美国参议院里。”

  

Three Surgeons


Three famous surgeons were bragging about their skills. "A man came to me who had his hand cut off," said one. "Today that man is a concert violinist."

"That's nothing," said another. "A guy came to me who had his legs cut off. I stitched them back on, and today that man is a marathon runner."

"I can top both of you," said the third. "One day I came on the scene of a terrible accident. There was nothing left but a horse's posterior - and a pair of glasses. Today that man is seated in United States Senate."


一面之辞


　　一位法官问我们这群修补陪审员是否有人应当免权。一个人举起了手。

　　“我的左耳听不见。”那人告诉法官。

　　“你的右边耳朵听得见吗？”法官问道。那人点了点头。

　　“你将被允许加入陪审团，”法官宣布。“我们每次只听一面之辞。”

  

One Side of the Case


A judge asked our group of potential jurors whether anyone should be excused, and one man raised his hand.

"I can't hear out of my left ear," the man told the judge.

"Can you hear out of your right ear?" the judge asked. The man nodded his head.

"You'll be allowed to serve on the jury," the judge declared. "We only listen to one side of the case at a time."


走私犯


　　一个形迹可疑的人开车来到边境，哨兵迎了上去。哨兵在检查汽车行李箱时，惊奇地发现了六个接缝处鼓得紧绷绷的大口袋。

　　“里面装的是什么？”他问道。

　　“土。”司机回答。

　　“把袋子拿出来”，哨兵命令道：“我要检查。”

　　那人顺从地把口袋搬了出来。确实，口袋里除了土以外，别无他特。哨兵很不情愿地让他通过了。

　　一周后，那人又来了，哨兵再次检查汽车上的行李箱。

　　“这次袋子里装的是什么？”他问道。

　　“土，又运了一些土。”那人回答。

　　哨兵不相信，对那些袋子又进行了检查，结果发现，除了土以外，仍旧一无所获。

　　同样的事情每周重演一次，一共持续了六个月。最后，哨兵被弄得灰心丧气，干脆辞职去当了酒吧侍者。有天夜里，那个形迹可疑的人碰巧途经酒吧，下车喝酒。那位从前的哨兵急忙迎上前去对他说，“我说，老兄，你要是能帮我一个忙，今晚的酒就归我请客。你能不能告诉我，那段时间你到底在走私什么东西？”

　　那人俯身过来，凑近侍者的耳朵，裂开嘴笑嘻嘻地说：“汽车。”

  

A Smugglar


The suspicious-looking man drove up to the border, where he was greeted by a sentry. When the guard looked in the trunk, he was surprised to find six sacks bulging at the seams.

"What's in here?" he asked.

"Dirt," the driver replied.

"Take them out," the guard instructed. "I want to check them."

Obliging, the man removed the bags, and sure enough, each one of them contained nothing but dirt. Reluctantly, the guard let him go.

A week later the man came back, and once again, the sentry looked in the truck.

"What's in the bags this time?" he asked.

"Dirt, more dirt." said the man.

Not believing him, the guard checked the sacks and, once again, he found nothing but soil.

The same thing happened every week for six months, and it finally became so frustrating to the guard that he quit and became a bartender. Then one night, the suspicious-looking fellow happened to stop by for a drink. Hurrying over to him, the former guard said, "Listen, pal, drinks are on the house tonight if you'll do me a favor: Just tell me what the hell you were smuggling all that time."

Grinning broadly, the man leaned close to the bartender's ear and whispered, "Cars."


采购过早


　　那天是圣诞节，法官在审讯犯人时也有点恻隐之心。“你为什么而被起诉？”他问。

　　“采购圣诞节物品过早。”被告答。

　　“这不算犯法，”法官回答，“你购物多早？”

　　在商店开门之前，“犯人应道。

  

Early Shopper


It was Christmas and the judge was in a benevolent mood as he questioned the prisoner. "What are you charged with?" he asked.

"Doing my christmas shopping early," replied the defendant.

"That's no offense," replied the judge, "How early were you doing this shopping?"

"Before the store opened," countered the prisoner.


翅 膀


　　一天，我工作的炸(又鸟)店在关门前出现了一阵抢购狂潮，结果除了(又鸟)翅外所有的东西都卖完了。当我正准备锁门时，一名喝醉了的旅客进来要进餐。我问他翅膀行不行，他从柜台上靠过身子来，回答道：“女士，我到这儿来是吃东西的，不是要飞！”  
  

Wings


The fried-chicken restaurant where I was working had a big rush just before closing one day, leaving us with nothing to sell but wings. As I was about to lock the doors, aa quietly intoxicated customer came in and ordered dinner. When I asked if wings would be all right, he leaned over the counter and replied, "Lady, I came in here to eat, not fly."  


零钱不用找了


　　在教堂的义卖市上卖旧书时，我与一名准备买东西的顾客发生了一场争论。他对购买袖珍奥金.纳什集颇感兴趣，但是说它要三十五美分开价过高。其它的平装书每本才卖十或十五美分。

　　我指出这本书保存状况颇好，纳什是个有趣的诗人，这个要价是合理的。他说这是个原则问题。最终，我同意以十五美分的价格将这本书卖给他。他得意洋洋，拿出一张十美元的票子付帐。“零钱不用找了。”他说。

  

Keep the Change


Selling secondhand books at our church bazaar, I got into an argument with a prospective customer. He was interested in buying The Pocket Book of Ogden Nash but claimed it was overpriced at 35 cents. Other paperbacks were selling for ten or 15 cents each.

I pointed out that the book was in good condition. Nash was a fun poet, and it was for a good cause. He said it was a matter of principle. Ultimately, I agreed to sell him the book for 15 cents. Triumphant, he paid with a $10 bill. "Keep the change," he said.


三声口哨


　　我答应过我的女朋友过生日进送她一条金项链。可是当珠宝商报出我们看中的那条项链的价格时，我低低地打了个长口哨。“那这条项链多少钱呢？”我指着另一个盘子里的项链问。

　　“先生，对你来说，”珠宝商答道，“大约值三声口哨。”

  

Three Whistles


I promised my girlfriend a gold necklace for her birthday, but when the jeweler quoted a price for one we liked, I let out a long, low whistle. "And how much are they then?" I asked, pointing to another tray.

"You, sir," replied the jeweler, "about three whistles."


太有礼貌


　　一名妇女经常光顾一家小古董店，但几乎从不买什么东西，却总是对商品和价格吹毛求疵。对于那妇女的粗暴抱怨，经理和她的销售员总是应付了事，但是有一天她做得太过分了。“为什么你们店里总是不能得到我想要的东西？”那名妇女指责说。

　　职员脸上带着微笑，沉着地回答道：“也许是因为我们太有礼貌了。”

  

Too Polite


A woman who frequented a small antique shop rarely purchase anything, but always found fault with the merchandise and prices. The manager and her salesclerk took the woman's grumpy complaints in stride, but one day she went too far. "Why is it I never manage to get what I ask for in your shop?" demanded the woman.

A smile on her face, the clerk calmly replied, "Perhaps it's because we're too polite."


优缺点


　　“这幢房子，”房地产推销商说，“既有优点也有缺点。为了说明我是诚实的，我将告诉你们它的缺点 - 往南面一个街区是一家化工厂，往北面一个街区是一家屠宰场。”

　　“那么它的长处呢？”预备购买房子的人问道。

　　“它的好处，”代理商说道，“就是，你总能分清风是从哪边吹过来的。”

  

Good Points and Bad Points


"This house," said the real-estate salesman, "has both its good points and bad points. To show you I'm honest, I'm goint to tell you about the disadvantage - there is a chemical plant one block south and a slaughterhouse one block north."

"What are the advantages?" inquired the prospective buyer.

"The good thing about it," said the agent, "is that you can always tell which way the wind is blowing."


照相机


　　在前往威蒙特参加一个婚礼的路上，我和丈夫意识到我们忘了带照相机。我们在一家百货商店门前停了下来，希望能够买到一种便宜的，一次性照相机。萨尔问店主：“你们有那种用了就扔的照相机吗？”

　　“我说，小伙子，”店主回答说，“我可不管你买了之后怎么处理它。”

  

Camera


On our way to a wedding in Vermont, my husband and I realized we had forgotten our camera. We stopped at a general store and, hoping to purchase a cheap, disposable model. Sal asked the owner, "Do you have any of those throwaway cameras?"

"Look, fella," replied the owner, "I don't care what you do with it after you buy it."


中间战术


　　三个互相争生意的商店老板在一条林荫道上租用了毗邻的店铺。旁观者等着瞧好戏。

　　右边的零售商挂起了巨大的招牌，上书：“大减价!”“特便宜!”

　　左边的商店挂出了更大的招牌，声称：“大砍价!”“大折扣!”

　　中间的商人随后准备了一个大招牌，上面只简单地写着：“入口处”。

  

Midway Tactics


Three competing store owners rented adjoining shops in a mall. Observers waited for mayhem to ensue.

The retailer on the right put up huge signs saying, "Gigantic Sale!" and "Super Bargains!"

The store on the left raised bigger signs proclaiming, "Prices Slashed!" and "Fantastic Discounts!"

The owner in the middle then prepared a large sign that simply stated, "ENTRANCE".


大制服


　　在圣安东尼奥的莱克兰空军基地的头三天，我们被从一个地方赶到另一个地方去理发、照相、领制服。回到营房之后，训练指导员让我们穿上制服，在营房前原地解散。但是，我些制服特别大。我们列队的时候，中士和他的副手就站在门边。“我们得将一些人弄回去重新量一下，”他说，“最后那个人走了两步，他的制服才动。”  
  

Large Uniforms


During our first three days at Lackland Air Force Base in San Antonio, we were herded from place to place for haircuts, shots and uniforms. Back in our barracks, the drill instructor told us to put on our uniforms and fall out in front of the building. Some of the uniforms, however, were extremely large. As we filed outside, the sergeant stood by the door with his assistant. "We have to take some of these people back for refitting," he said. "That last man took two steps before his uniform moved."  


快速反应


　　我和连长在面试我们炮兵部队侦察中士一职的候选人。被选的士兵要求有敏锐的观察力及快速的反应力。在一次面试时，连长指着一英里外的一座小山问一名年轻的中士：“你能看见那座山吗？”

　　“是的，长官。”他回答道。

　　“你能看见那座山上的无线电天线吗？”那士兵又说他能。“那么，”连长接着说：“你能看见停在天线上的那只鸟吗？”

　　那名中士身体前倾，眼睛眯成一条缝。“看不见，长官，”他说，“但我听见它在唱歌。”

　　他得到了那份工作。

  

Quick Reaction


My battery commander and I were interviewing candidates for a position as reconnaissance sergeant in our artillery unit. The selected soldier needed to have keen eyesight, plus the ability to react quickly. During one interview, the commander pointed to a hill about a mile away and asked a young sergeant, "Can you see that hill over there?"

"Yes, sir." he replied.

"Can you see the radio antenna on that hill?" Again, the soldier said that he could. "Well, then," the commander went on, "Can you see that bird sitting on the antenna?"

The sergeant leaned forward and squinted. "No, sir," he said, "but I can hear it is singing."

He got the job.


视力训练


　　班里正在进行“视力训练”。一个聪明伶俐的新兵被班长叫出来数远处旷野上采掘队的人数。采掘队在很远的地方，那些人看起来只是一些小点儿。但是这个新兵毫不犹豫的回答：

　　“十六个士兵和一个中士，长官。”

　　“正确。可你如何知道那儿有一个中士？”

　　“他不干活，长官。”

  

Visual Training


The squad were having "visual training". One smart recruit was asked by the officer to count how many men composed a digging party in a distant field. The party was so far away that the men appeared as mere dots, but unhesitatingly the recruit replied:

"Sexteen men and a sergeant, sir."

"Right; but how do you know there's a sergeant there?"

"He's not doing any digging, sir."


速度限制


　　我作为美国空军人员分遣部队的一员驻扎在英国皇家空军某某地，那里有一条狭窄的马路蜿蜒穿过拥挤的居民区。因为多次出现汽车撞伤行人一类不甚严重的车祸，美国空军司令员决定将车速限制在每小时三英里。

　　新的车速限制公布后不久，一名骑警中士因一名吉普车司机开车时速达五英里而给他开了一张超速传票。

　　我很想知道骑警是怎样如此精确地知道那辆吉普车的速度的。“我遛达着要在邮局关门之前到达那里，”他解释道：“当我超过吉普车时，我注意到计速器指向了每小时五英里。”

  

Speed Limit


The British RAF base where I was stationed as part of a contingent of USAF personnel had one narrow road winding through the crowded residential area. After a rash of minor vehicle pedestrian accidents, the USAF commander decided to reduce the speed limit to three m.p.h.

Shortly after the new limit was posted, an MP sergeant issued a speeding citation to a jeep driver for going five m.p.h. I was curious to know how the MP had determined the jeep's speed so exactly. "I was jogging to get to the PX before it closed," he explained, "and as I passed the jeep, I noticed that the speedometer read five m.p.h."


西点军校


　　父亲、哥哥和我到西点军校去观看一场陆军与波士顿大学之间的橄榄球赛。开始之前，我们到处转了转，碰到许多穿着整齐制服的学员。几名游客问新兵是否愿意摆出军姿来让他们摄。“好认我们的儿子知道，如果他到西点军校来学习会得到什么。”

　　一对中年夫妇走近一名非常漂亮的女学员，问她是否愿意摆个姿势照相。他们解释说：“我们想让儿子知道他没来西点军校错过了什么。”

  

West Point


My father, brother and I visited West Point to see a football game between Army and Boston College. Taking a stroll before kickoff, we met many cadets in neatly pressed uniforms. Several visting fans asked the recruits if they would pose for photographs, "to show our son what to expect if he should attend West Point."

One middle-aged couple approached a very attractive female cadet and asked her to pose for a picture. They explained, "We want to show our son what he missed by not coming to West Point."


真没想到我已经往回跑了这么远!


　　第一次世界大战期间，一场大战役正在进行。枪炮轰鸣，子弹横飞。这样持续了一小时后，有个士兵认为战斗太危险了，所以他离开前线，开始逃离战场。走了一个小时后，他看见一个军官朝他走过来。军官拦住他，问道：“你到哪儿去？”

　　“长官，我正尽力躲开身后正在进行的战斗。”士兵回答说。

　　“你知道我是谁吗？”军官生气地说：“我是你们的指挥官。”

　　士兵听了十分惊讶地说：“天哪，真没想到我已经往回跑了这么远!”

  

I Didn't Know That I Was So Far Back Already!


A big battle was going on during the First World War. Guns were firing, and shells and bullets were flying about everywhere. After an hour of this, one of the soldier decided that the fighting was getting too dangerous for him, so he left the front line and began to go away from the battle. After he had walked for an hour, he saw an officer coming towards him. The officer stopped him and said, "Where are you going?"

"I'm trying to get as far away as possible from the battle that's going on behind us, sir." the soldier answered.

"Do you know who I am?" the officer said to him angerly. "I'm your commanding officer."

The soldier was very surprised when he heard this and said, "My God, I didn't know that I was so far back already!"


正是士兵


　　作为一名新上任的步兵中尉，我通过擦拭自己的M-16式自动步枪给全排作个榜样。我们一块擦枪，一名战士抱怨由于M-16的枪栓枪膛的特别凹形结构，擦起来十分困难。

　　“中尉，应该制造一种擦这枪的工具。”士兵说。

　　“已经制造出来了。”一军士尖叫。

　　“真的？”我十分诧异，纳闷为什么我们没有定购这种工具。

　　“真的，长官，”军士答道，“它就是士兵。”

  

None Other Than a Soldier


As a newly commissinaed infantry lieutenant, I was eager to set an example for my platoon by cleaning my own M-16 rifle. While we were working on the weapons, one soldier complained about the unusual notched shape of the M-16's bolt and chamber, which makes it difficult to clean.

"Lieutenant, they need to make something to clean this with," the soldier said.

"They do," piped up a sergeant.

"Really," I said with surprise, wondering why we had not ordered such a tool.

"Yes, sir," replied the sergeant. "It's called a soldier."


最好的奖赏


　　一名海军军官从甲板上掉入海中。他被一名甲板水手救起。这位军官问如何都能酬谢他。

　　“最好的办法，长官，”这名水手说，“是别声张这事。如果其他人知道我救了您，他们会把我扔下去的。”

  

Best Reward


A naval officer fell overboard. He was rescued by a deck hand. The officer asked how he could reward him.

"The best way, sir," said the deck hand, "is to say nothing about it. If the other fellows knew I'd pulled you out, they'd chuck me in."


臭　鼬


　　“我们的地下室里有一只臭鼬，”打电话的人对警察调度员尖叫道。“我们怎样才能把它弄出来？”

　　“弄一些面包屑，”调度员说，“从地下室往外铺一条小道直到后院。然后将地下室的门打开。”

　　一段时间后，那位居民又将电话打了回来。“你们将它弄出来了吗？”调度员问。

　　“没有，”打电话的人答道，“现在那儿有两只臭鼬了。”

  

Skunk


"We have a skunk in the basement," shrieked the caller to the police dispatcher. "How can we get it out?"

"Take some bread crumbs," said the dispatcher, "and put down a trail from the basement out to the back yard. Then leave the cellar door open."

Sometime later the resident called back. "Did you get rid of it?" asked the dispatcher.

"No," replied the caller. "Now I have two skunks in there!"




搞错了


　　一位美国人，一位英格兰人和一位加拿大人在一场车祸中丧生。他们到达天堂的门口。在那里，醉醺醺的圣彼德解释说是搞错了。“每人给我五百美元，”他说，“我将把你们送回人间，就象什么都没有发生过一样。”

　　“成交!”美国人说。立刻，他发现自己毫不损伤地站在现场附近。

　　“其他人在哪儿？”一名医生问道。

　　“我离开之前，”那名美国人说，“我看见英格兰人正在砍价，而那名加拿大人正在分辩说应该由他的政府来出这笔钱。”

  

A Mistake


An Amercian, a Scot and a Canadian were killed in a car accident. They arrived at the gates of heaven, where a flustered St. Peterexplained that there had been a mistake. "Give me $500 each," he said, "and I'll return you to earth as if the whole thing never happened."

"Done!" said the American. Instantly, he found himself standing unhurt near the scene.

"Where are the others?" asked a medic.

"Last I knew," said the American, "the Scot was huggling price, and the Canadian was arguing that his government should pay."


好消息和坏消息


　　“有好消息，也有坏消息，”离婚律师告诉他的当事人。

　　“我总能利用一些好消息吧，”当事人吧了口气说，“是什么好消息？”

　　“你妻子没有要求将你未来的继承财产也划入裁决的范围。”

　　“那么坏消息呢？”

　　“离婚以后，她将与你父亲结婚。”

  

Good News And Bad News


"There's good news and bad news," the divorce lawyer told his client.

"I could sure use some good news," sighed the client. "What's it?"

"Your wife isn't demanding that your future inheritances be included in the settlement."

"And the bad news?"

"After the divorce, she's marrying your father."


绝 配


　　一位富婆为拥有一只珍贵的古玩而深感骄傲，以至于她竟要把卧室漆成与花瓶同样的颜色。几名油漆匠试图调出这个底色，但是谁也没有能令那位怪癖的妇女满意。

　　最后来了位油漆匠。他非常自信能调出那种颜色。那妇女对他的成果非常满意，油漆匠于是一举成名。

　　多年以后，他退休了，生意也交给儿子。“爸，”儿子说，“有件事我得弄清楚，您是怎样使墙的颜色与花瓶配得那么绝的？”

　　“儿子，”父亲回答说，“我漆了花瓶。”

  

Perfect Match


A wealthy matron is so proud of a valuable antique vase that she decides to have her bedroom painted the same color as the vase. Several painters try to match the shade, but none comes close enough to satisfy the eccentric woman.

Eventually, a painter approaches who is confident he can mix the proper color. The woman is pleased with the result, and the painter becomes famous.

Years later, he retires and truns the business over to his son. "Dad," says the son, "there's something I've got to know. How did you get those walls to match the vase so perfectly?"

"Son," the father replies, "I painted the vase."


耐 性


　　垂钓者：你已经盯着看了三个小时了，你干嘛不自己亲自钓呢？

　　旁观者：我没那耐性。

  

Patience


Angler: You've been watching me for three hours now. Why don't you try yourself?

Onlooker: I haven't got the patience.


世界上最伟大的击剑手


　　在一场世界最佳击剑手表演中，排名第三的击剑手上场了。一只苍蝇放了出来，剑划了一个弧，他将苍蝇劈成了两半。观众欢呼起来。紧接着排名第二的人将一只苍蝇切成了四半。现场一阵沉默，人们期盼着世界上最伟大的击剑手出场。

　　他的剑锋以一个巨大的弧线划了下来－－然而那只昆虫还在继续飞行!观众被惊呆了。最伟大的击剑手完全错过了他的目标，然而他还在微笑着。

　　“你为什么这么高兴？”有人嚷道，“你没击中!”

　　“啊，”剑手答道，“你刚才没有很仔细地看。苍蝇还活着，是的－－但他永远也做不成爸爸了。”

  

The World's Greatest Swordsman


At an exhibition of the world's best swordsman, the third-place fencer took the stage. A fly was released, and with an arc of his sword he cut the fly in half. The crowd cheered. Then the second-place man sliced a fly into quarters. A hush fell in anticipation of the world's greatest swordsman.

His blade came down in a mighty arc - but the insect continued on its way! The crowd was aghast. The greatest swordsman had missed his target completely, yet he continued to smile.

"Why are you so happy?" someone yelled. "You missed!"

"Ah," replied the swordsman, "you weren't watching very carefully. They fly lives, yes - but he will never be a father."


只有一次


　　一位驯狮新手正在接受采访。“我知道你的父亲也是个驯狮手，”记者说。

　　“他过去是。”那人回答说。

　　“你真的把头伸进过狮子的嘴里吗？”

　　“只有一次，”那位驯狮新手说，“为了找我爸爸。”

  

Only Once


A novice lion tamer was being interviewed. "I understand your father was also a lion tamer," the reporter queried.

"Yes, he was," the man replied.

"Do you actually put your head in the lion's mouth?"

"I did it only once," said the new tamer, "to look for Dad."


追星族


　　从小时候起，我就一直被明星所深深吸引，因此不久以前当我在纽约第五大街上认出演员厄内斯特.波格尼向我迎面走过来时，我欣喜若狂，完全不知该说什么好。“怎么，你是厄内斯特.波格尼!”我想法迸出一句话来。

　　“是的，”他很有礼貌地点了点头，说道：“我知道。”

  

Starstruck


I have been starstruck since I was a little girl, so I was delighted and practically speechless not long ago when I spotted the actor Ernest Borgnine walking in my direction on New York's Fifth Avenue. "Why, you're Ernest Borgnine!" I managed to blurt out.

"Yes," he said, nodding politely, "I know."


用找了


　　有一天天气闷热，我将冰淇淋舀进锥筒，告诉我的四个小孩，他们可以从我这里用拥抱“购买”一筒。于是，孩子们马上排起了队来购买。较小的三个孩子每人很快的抱了我一下，抓过冰淇淋筒就跑到外面去了。最后轮到排在队尾十年的大儿子来“买”冰淇淋时，他拥抱了我二下。“不用找了，”他笑着说。  
  

Keep the Change


One sweltering day, I was scooping ice cream into cones and told my four children they could "buy" a cone from me for a hug. Almost immediately, the kids lined up to make their purchases. The three youngest each gave me a quick hug, grabbed their cones and raced back outside. But when my teen-age son at the end of the line finally got his turn to "buy" his ice cream, he gave me two hugs. "Keep the changes," he said with a smile.  


缠住不放


　　丈夫打完高尔夫球回来，我们四岁的女儿莎拉在门口迎了上去。“爸爸，谁赢了高尔夫球比赛，是你还是理查叔叔？”

　　“我和理查叔叔打高尔夫球不是为赢，”丈夫推诿说。“我们打球只是为了好玩而已。”

　　莎拉毫不气馁，又问：“那么，爸爸，谁觉得更好玩呢？”

  

Persistance


Returning from a golf outing, my husband was greeted at the door by Sara, our four-year-old daughter. "Daddy, who won the golf game? You or Uncle Richie?"

"Uncle Richie and I don't play golf to win," my husband hedged. "We just play to have fun."

Undaunted, Sare said, "Okay, Daddy, who had more fun?"


款 待


　　我是新泽西州大西洋城警察局的一名新警察。我被指派巡逻一条海滨的路线，几乎每天都能碰上与父母走散的孩子。

　　一天下午，我发现一个小孩独自站在那里，显然是迷了路。我先是设法取得他的信任－我带他到附近的冰淇淋摊给他买了一个蛋筒。过了很长时间，也没看见他父母的影子，所以我就准备打电话叫辆巡逻车将他送回总部去。我告诉他站在那里别动，我去电话亭打电话。当我回来时，却发现他不知道到哪儿去了。

　　警车很快来了。一名警察问我小孩在哪里。我感觉自己傻极了，说自己弄丢了一个迷路的小孩，该多丢人啊！但我还是告诉了警察们所发生的一切，并描述了一下小孩的长相。“你请他吃了什么？”一名警察问。

　　“一个冰淇淋蛋筒。怎么啦？”

　　“因为，”那名警察说，“那个小孩住的地方离这儿只隔几个街区。而你大概是新警察中帮他买东西吃的第五个傻瓜蛋！”

  

Treat


As a rookie in the Atlantic City, N.J., Police department, I was assigned a beat on the boardwalk. Hardly a day went by when I didn't come upon a child who had become separated from his parents.

One afternoon, I spotted a small boy standing alone, obviously lost. I tried to gain his confidence - I took him to the nearest ice-cream stand and bought him a cone. Time passed with no sign of the boy's parents, so the next step was to call for a patrol car to take him to headquarters. I told the small fry to stay put while I went to the call box. When I returned, he was nowhere in sight.

Within minutes, the car arrived, and one of the patrolmen asked me where the child was. I felt stupid; it's humiliating to say you've lost a lost child. But I told the officers what had happened and gave a description of the boy. "What did you treat him?" asked one of the men.

"An ice-cream cone. Why?"

"Because," answered the officer, "that kid lives only a few blocks from here, and you've about the fifth rookie he's conned for a treat!"


模 仿


　　一个男孩放学回家时，觉得肚子痛。“来，坐下，吃点点心，”妈妈说，“你肚子痛是因为肚子是空的。吃点东西就会好的。”

　　一会儿，男孩的爸爸下班回家了，说是头痛。

　　“你头痛是因为你的脑袋是空的，”他那聪明的儿子说，“里面装点东西，就会好的。”

  

Imitation


A schoolboy went home with a pain in his stomach. "Well, sit down and eat your tea," said his mother. "Your stomach's hurting because it's empty. It'll be all right when you've got something in it."

Shortly afterwards Dad come in from the office, complaining of a headache.

"That's because it's empty," said his bright son. "You'd be all right if you had something in it."


睡前祷告词


　　朱莉叶在做睡前祷告。“上帝，求求你，”她说，“让那不勒斯成为意大利的首都吧。”

　　妈妈打断她的话说：“朱莉叶，为什么求上帝让那不勒斯成为意大利的首都呢？”

　　朱莉叶回答道：“因为我在地理考卷上是这样写的。”

  

Bedtime Prayers


Julie was saying her bedtime prayers. "Please God," she said, "make Naples the capital of Italy. Make Naples the capital of Italy."

Her mother interrupted and said. "Julie, why do you want God to make Naples the capital of Italy?"

And Julie replyed, "Because that's what I put in my geography exam!"



我很高兴


　　一个主日学校的教师正在对学生讲使别人高兴的重要性。“听着，孩子们，”她说，“你们当中有谁曾让别人高兴过吗？”

　　“我，教师，”一个小男孩说，“昨天我就使别人高兴过。”

　　“做得好，是谁呢？”

　　“我奶奶。”

　　“好孩子。现在告诉我们，你是怎样使你奶奶高兴的？”

　　“是这样的，教师。昨天我去看她，在她那儿呆了三个小时。然后我对她说：‘奶奶，我要回家了。’她说：‘啊，我很高兴。’”

  

I'm Glad


A Sunday-school teacher was telling her pupils the importance of making others glad. "Now, children," she said, "has anyone of you ever made someone else glad?"

"Please, teacher," said a small boy, "I've make someone glad yesterday."

Well done. Who was that!"

"My granny."

"Good boy. Now tell us how you made your grandmother glad."

"Please, teacher, I went to see her yesterday, ad stayed with her three hours. Then I said to her, 'Granny, I'm going home.' and she said, 'Well, I'm glad'!"



我教老师


　　母亲问她年幼的儿子：“宝贝，今天老师教了你些什么？”

　　儿子骄傲地说：“什么都没教，妈妈。她反倒问我一加二等于几，我告诉她等于三。”

  

I Taught the Teacher


Mother asked her little boy, "Darling, what did the teacher teach you today?"

"Nothing, Mum," answered the son proundly, "instead, she asked me how much one plus two was, and I told her three."


小妹妹


　　保育员：约翰尼，你难道不喜欢你的小妹妹吗？

　　约翰尼：那倒不是。她要是个男孩就好了。威利有了一个新生的小妹妹，现在他该认为我又在学他的样子了。

  

A Baby Sister


Nurse: Don't you like your new baby sister, Johnnie?

Johnnie:She's all right, but I wish she had been a boy. Willie Smith had got a new sister, and now he'll think I'm trying to copy him.


幸运的母亲


　　一位年轻的母亲认为，世界上还有许多受饥饿的人，浪费食物真不应该。有天晚上，在安排幼小的女儿睡觉之前，她给女儿喂夜宵。她先给她一片新鲜的黑面包和黄油，但孩子说她不喜欢这样吃。她还要一些果酱涂在面包上。

　　母亲看了女儿几秒钟，随即说道，“露茜，当我象你一样小的时候，总是吃面包加黄油，或者面包加果酱，从来没有面包既加黄油又加果酱。”

　　露茜看了母亲一会儿，眼中露出怜悯的神情，然后她柔声说：“您现在能跟我们生活在一起难道不感到高兴吗？”

  

Lucky Mother


A young mother believed that it was very wrong to waste any food when there were so many hungry people in the world. One evening, she was giving her small daughterher tea before putting her to bed. First she gave her a slice of fresh brown bread and butter, but the child said that she did not want it like that. She asked for some jam on her bread as well.

Her mother looked at her for a few seconds and then said, "When I was a small girl like you, Lucy, I was always given either bread and butter, or bread and jam, but never bread with butter and jam.

Lucy looked at her mother for a few moments with pity in her eyes and then said to her kindly, "Aren't you pleased that you've come to live with us now?"


一个数学问题


　　比尔是一个好学生，也是个聪明的孩子。他喜欢学数学，课本上所有的数学问题他都能不费劲地解答。

　　有一天，在上学路上，比尔经过一家水果店。该店窗户上有个招牌上写着：“苹果--五美分六个。”比尔脑筋一转，进了店门。

　　“苹果怎么卖？”

　　“五美分六个。”

　　“但我不想要六个。”

　　“你想要几个？”

　　“这不是我想要几个的问题。这是个数学问题。”

　　“数学问题？你说这话是什么意思？”

　　“你看，如果六个苹果五美分，那么五个苹果四美分，四个苹果三美分，三个苹果二美分，二个苹果一美分，一个苹果就不要钱。我只要一个苹果，如果一个苹果一分钱也不要的话，那我也就没必要给你钱了。”

　　比尔拣了一个好苹果，开始吃了起来，然后兴高采烈地迈出了店门。那个售货员吃惊地望着这个小男孩，一句话也说不出来。

  

A Problem in Arithmetic


Bill is a good student and an intelligent boy. He likes to study arithmetic, and he can do all of the arithmetic problems in his book easily.

One day on his way to school Bill passed a fruit store. There was a sign in the window which said, "Apple-Six for five cents." An idea came to Bill and he went into the store.

"How much are the apples?" he asked the store.

"Six for five cents."

"But I don't want six apples."

"How many apples do you want?"

"It is not a question of how many apples I want. It is a problem in arithmetic."

"What do you mean by a problem in arithmetic?" asked the man.

"Well, if six apples are wroth five cents, then five apples are worth four cents, four apples are worth three cents, three apples are worth rwo cents, two apples are worth one cent and one apple is worth nothing. I only want one apple, and if one apple is worth nothing then it is not necessary for me to pay you."

Bill picked out a good apple, began to eat it, and walked happily out of the store. The man looked at the young boy with such surprise that he could not say a word.


一切都正常


　　一对年轻夫妇有个儿子，已经四岁了，还没有开品说话，他们对此深感焦虑。他们带他去找专家诊治，但医生们总觉得他没有毛病。后来有一天早上吃早餐时，那孩子突然开口了：“妈妈，面包烤焦了。”

　　“你说话了!你说话了!”他母亲叫了起来。“我太高兴了!但为什么花了这么长的时间呢？”

　　“哦，在这之前，”那男孩说，“一切都很正常。”

  

Things Have Been Okay


A young couple were becoming anxious about their four-year-old son, who had not yet talked. They took him to specialists, but the doctors found nothing wrong with him. Then one morning at breakfast the boy suddenly blurted, "Mom, the toast is burned."

"You talked! You talked!" Shouted his mother. "I'm so happy! But why has it taked this long?"

"Well, up till now," Said the boy, "things have been okay."



原来如此


　　吉米三岁开始画画，五岁时已经画得很好了。他画了很多美丽而有趣的画，人们出高价购买。他们说，“这个孩子长大一点肯定会出名，我们可以靠这些画大赚一笔。”

　　吉米的画与众不同。因为他从来不在整张纸上作画。他只画一半的纸，而另一半他总空着。

　　“构思多么巧妙啊!”大家都说，“从来没有人这么做过。”

　　有一天，一个人买了吉米的画，然后问他：“请告诉我，吉米，你为什么总是在纸的下半部分画画，而不是在纸的上半部分？”

　　吉米说，“因为我个头小，够不着上面。”

  

That's Why


Jimmy started painting when he was three years old, and when he was five, he was already very good at it. He painted many beautiful and interesting pictures, and people paid a lot of money for them. They said, "This boy's going to be famous when he's little older, and then we're going to sell these pictures for a lot more money."

Jimmy's pictures were different from other people's because he never painted on all of the paper. He painted on half of it, and the other half was always empty.

"That's very clever," everyone said, "Nobody else does that!"

One day somebody bought one of Jimmy's pictures and then said to him, "Please tell me this, Jimmy. Why do you paint on the bottom half of your pictures, but not on the top half?"

"Because I'm small," Jimmy said, "and my burshes don't reach very high."


百万富翁


　　主管人：我妻子使我成为百万富翁。

　　助　手：以前你是什么？

　　主管人：千万富翁。

  

Millionaire


CEO: "My wife made a millionaire out of me."

Assistant: "What were you before?"

CEO: "a multimillionaire."


迪斯尼之族


　　弗罗里达州的迪斯尼乐园是一个迷人的地方。一次我和丈夫以及两个孩子前往旅游，我们全身心地沉醉在它的各种奇观之中。精疲力竭地玩了三天之后，我们要回家了。

　　当我们驱车离开时，儿子挥手说：“再见，美奇。”

女儿挥着手说，“再见，美妮。”

　　丈夫也有气无力地挥了挥手，说道：“再见，美元。”

  

A Trip to Disney


On a trip to Disney World in Florida, my husband and I adn our two children devoted ourselves wholeheartedly to the wonders of this attraction. After three exhausting days, we headed for home.

As we drove away, our son waved and said, "Good-by, Mickey."

Our daughter waved and said, "Good-by, Minnie."

My husband waved, rather weakly, and said, "Good-by, Money."


家　规


　　琼斯夫妇晚上很少出门，但上星期六，琼斯太太对丈夫说：“电影院今晚有场好电影，我们去看好吗？”

　　琼斯先生很乐意，于是他们就去了。两个人都喜欢那部电影。

　　晚上十一点，他们从电影院出来，钻进汽车，开始驾车回家。天很黑。这时，琼斯太太说：“看，比尔。一个女人在沿街狂奔，一个男人在后猛追不舍。你看到了吗？”

　　琼斯先生说：“是的，看到了。”他慢慢把车开近那女人，说道：“你需要帮忙吗？”

　　“不，谢谢，”女人答道，但她没有放慢速度，“我丈夫跟我在看完电影后，经常跑步回家，后到家的洗碗涮碟。”

  

A Family Rule


Mr. and Mrs. Jones very seldom go out in the evening, but last saturday, Mrs. Jones said to her husband, "There is a good film at the cinema tonight. Can we go and see it?"

Mr. Jones was quite happy about it, so they went, and both of them enjoyed the film.

They came out of the cinema at 11 o'clock, got into their car and began driving home. It was quite dark. Then Mrs. Jones said, "Look, Bill. A woman's running along the road very fast, and a man's running after her. Can you see them?"

Mr. Jones said, "Yes, I can." He drove the car slowly near the woman and said to her, "Can we help you?"

"No, thank you," the woman said, but she did not stop running. "My husband and I always run home after the cinema, and the last one washes the dishes at home!"


老夫妻吵架


　　一对性情乖僻的老夫妻发生了争吵，一直闹到地方法官那里。败诉的一方以一种临战的姿态冲着对方嚷道：“我要到巡回法庭去告你。”

　　“愿意奉陪。”另一个说。

　　“我要到最高法院去告你。”

　　“我也陪你。”

　　“我还要到地狱去告你。”

　　“我的代理人会奉陪的。”对方平静的说。

  

An Old Couple's Quarrel


A couple of codgers got into a quarrel and came before the local magistrate. The loser, turning to his opponent in a combative frame of mind, cried: "I'll law you to the Circuit Court."

"I'm willing," said the other.

"I'll law you to the Supreme Court."

"I'll be there."

"And I'll law the hell!"

"My attorney will be there," was the calm reply.


孪生龙虾


　　我当演员取得成功后，想在妈妈面前炫耀一番。于是，我带着她到拉斯维加斯的凯撒宫去吃饭。在菜谱中有道菜是“孪生龙虾--45美元。”

　　“你为什么不点那个呢，妈？”我问道：“我知道你很喜欢吃龙虾了。”

　　她满眼狐疑地看着我，然后摇了摇头。“他们怎么知道它们确实是孪生的呢？”

  

Twin Lobsters


Once I had achieved success as an entertainer, I wanted to impress my Mom. I brought her to Las Vegas for dinner at Caesar's Palace. Among other items, the menu listed "Twin Lobsters - $45."

"Why don't you order that, Mom?" I asked. "I know how much you like lobster."

She looked at me with the eyes of a skeptic and shook her head. "How do they know they're really twins?"


势均力敌


　　有一天某位女士看到一只老鼠在自家的厨房地板上窜过。她很害怕老鼠，所以她冲出屋子，搭上了公共汽车直奔商店。在那儿，她买了一只老鼠夹。店主告诉她：“放点奶酪在里面，很快你就会逮住那只老鼠的。”

　　这位女士带着鼠夹回到家里，但她没有在碗橱里找到奶酪。她不想再回到商店里去，因为已经很晚了。于是，她就从一份杂志中剪下一幅奶酪的图片放进了夹子。

　　令人称奇的是，这画有奶酪的图片竟然奏效了!第二天早上，这位女士下楼到厨房时，发现鼠夹里奶酪图片旁有一张画有老鼠的图片!

  

A Fine Match


One day a lady saw a mouse running across her kitchen floor. She was very afraid of mouse, so she ran out of the house, got into a bus and went to the shops. There she bought a mousetrap. The shopkeeper said to her, "Put some cheese in it and you will soon catch that mouse."

The lady went home with her mousetrap, but when she looked in her cupboard, she could not find any cheese in it. She did not want to go back to the shop, because it was very late, so she cut a picture of some cheese out of a magazine and put that in the trap.

Surprisingly, the picture of the cheese was quite successful! When the lady came down to the kitchen the next morning she found a picture of a mouse in the trap beside the picture of the cheese!


同样的服务


　　有位结婚十年的男人，正向婚姻顾问请教。

　　“新婚时我非常幸福。在市区的商店里累了一天，回到家里，小狗围着我又跑又叫，妻子忙给我拿来拖鞋。现在一切都变了。小狗给我叼来拖鞋，妻子对我又喊又叫。”

　　“我不知道你有什么可抱怨的，”顾问说，“你得到的服务还是同样的嘛。”

  

The Same Service


A man who had been married for ten years was consulting a marriage counselor.

"When I was first married, I was very happy. I'd come home from a hard day down at the shop, and my little dog would race around barking, and my wife would bring me my slippers. Now everything's changed. When I come home, my dog brings me my slippers, and my wife barks at me."

"I don't know what you're complaining about," said the counselor, "You're still getting the same service."


我还不认识她呢


　　一对夫妇在公园里散步，发现一对年轻的男女坐在一条长凳上，动情地接吻。

　　“你为什么不那么做呢？”妻子说。

　　“亲爱的，”丈夫回答说，“我还不认识那个女子呢!”

  

I Don't Know Her


A couple walking in the park noticed a young man and woman sitting on a bench, passionately kissing.

"Why don't you do that?" said the wife.

"Honey," replied her husband, "I don't even know that woman!"


班和笨驴


　　格拉斯哥的劳里教授在门上贴了这样一个通知：“劳里教授今天不见他的班级。”

　　一个学生读了通知后，擦掉了字母“c”(lass：姑娘)。

　　后来劳里教授来了，也想开开玩笑，他擦掉了字母“l”(ass：笨驴)。

  

Class and Ass


Professor Laurie of Glasgow put his notice on his door: "Professor Laurie will not meet his classes today."

A student, after reading the notice, rubbed out the "c".

Later Professor Laurie came along, and entering into the spirit of the joke, rubbed out the "l".


抄 袭


　　我有个朋友在圣路易斯的华盛顿大学教欧洲历史，他说有一次他发现了一篇抄袭的学期论文。他把那个学生叫到了办公室。“这不是你写的，”他说，“有人帮你从百科全书上原封不动地打印了下来。”

　　“你没有证据。”那学生气急败坏地说。

　　我朋友笑了，他把论文拿给他看。用红笔圈出来的是：“也可参阅共产主义一文。”

  

Plagiarism


A friend of mine who teachs European history at Washington University in St. Louis tell about the time he spotted a plagiarized term paper. He summoned the student to his office. "This isn't your work." he said. "Someone typed it for you straight out of the encyclopedia.

"You cann't prove that!" the student sputtered.

My friend amiled and show him the paper. Circled in red was: "Also see article on communism."


美 德


　　获取研究生学位多年以后，我回到位于宾翰顿的纽约州立大学当教员。一天，电梯里很拥挤，有人抱怨电梯效率太低。我说自我在那里当学生起，20年来电梯一直没有换过。

　　最后当电梯门打开时，我感到有人在我的背上同情地拍了一下，回过头来我看到一位年长的修女正在朝我微笑。“你会拿到学位的，亲爱的，”她低声说道：“坚持不懈是一种美德。”

  

Virtue


Many years after receiving my graduate degree, I returned to the State University of New York at Binghamton as a faculty member. One day in a crowded elevator, someone remarked on its inefficiency. I said the elevators had not changed in the 20 years since I began there as a student.

When the door finally opened, I felt a compassionate pat on my back, and turned to see an elderly nun smiling at me. "You'll get that degree, dear," she whispered. "Perseverance is a virtue."


区 别


　　“研究生班和本科生很容易就能区别开来，”在洛杉矶加利福利亚州立大学给我们研究生上工程学课的老师如此说。“我说‘下午好’，本科生们回答说‘下午好’。研究生们则把我说的话记在笔记本上。”  
  

Difference


"I can always tell a graduate class from an undergraduate class," observed the instructor in one of my graduate engineering courses at California State University in Los Angeles. "When I say, 'Good afternoon,' the undergraduates respond, 'Good afternoon." But the graduate students just write it down."  


数学没及格


　　我儿子是印第安那市曼西尔波州立大学的学生，大学一年级就上了系主任的名单。第二年他学心理学，刚几个星期他就给家里打了个电话。

　　“妈妈，”他激动地说：“我找到了如何在大学里生存下去的答案!重要的不是分数，而是具备将学到的知识应用于日常生活的素质。我很幸运地有了这种奇妙的经历。”

　　“你到底是什么意思？”我问道。

　　“我数学没及格。”他回答说。

  

Flunking Math


My son, who made the dean's list in his freshman year at Ball State University in Muncie, Ind., called home a few weeks after starting his sophomore year as a psychology student.

"Mom," he said excitely, "I have found the answer to surviving college! It isn't the grades that are so important, but the quality of what is learned and how it is applied to daily life. I'm lucky to be having these wonderful experiences!"

"And just what does this mean?" I asked.

"I'm flunking math," he replied.


业余工作


　　我儿子在一所中学读二年级时，在一家超级市场找到了一份包装商品的业余工作。他满面笑容地回到了家。

　　“第一天感觉如何？”我问。

　　“好极了，爸爸。”他答道，“我跟许多漂亮的女孩子讲了话。”

　　由于斯蒂芬不善言谈，我问道：“你跟他们说了些什么？”

　　“你是喜欢纸包装还是塑料包装？”

  

Part-time Job


When my son was a hign-school sophomore, he got a part-time job sacking groceries at a supermarket. He came home all smiles.

"How was your first day?" I asked.

"It was great, Dad," he replied. "I got to talk to some good-looking girls."

Since Stephen is not very talkative, I asked, "What did you say to them?"

"Do you prefer paper or plastic?"


钥匙还是接吻


　　我的一位朋友在给一个成人学生班级上英语课。他们都是新近来美国生活的。在一张桌子上摆了许多日常用品之后，他请全班同学给他挑出尺子，书本，钢笔等。课进行得井然有序，学生们对自己所做的似乎很感兴趣，也很认真。后来轮到一名来自意大利的学生，我的朋友说：“给我钥匙。”那人看起来非常吃惊，也有点手足无措。看到这种情况，我的朋友想是他没有听清楚，于是又重复了一遍：“给我钥匙。”那位意大利学生耸了耸肩。接着，他伸出胳膊搂住老师的脖子在双颊上亲了两下。  
  

Keys? Kiss?


A friend of mine was giving an English lesson to a class of adult who had recently come to live in the United States. After placing quite a number of everyday objects on a table, he asked various members of the class to give him the ruler, the book, the pen and so on. The class went very smoothly and the students seemed interested and serious about the work that they were engaged in until when my friend turned to an Italian student and said, "Give me the kays." The man looked surprised and somewhat at a loss. Seeing this, my friend thought that the student hadn't heard him clearly, so he repeated. "Give me the kays." The Italian shrugged his shoulders. Then, he threw his arms around the teacher's neck and kissed him on both cheeks.  


自己做好准备


　　校园里流传着这样的故事：一个学生一次给父母拍了一份电报，上面写着：“妈妈－我所有功课都不及格，被学校开除。让爸爸做好准备。”

　　两天以后，他收到了回电：“爸爸已准备好。你自己做好准备吧!”

  

Prepare Yourself


A story around campus has it taht a student once sent a telegram to his parents reading: "Mom - flunked all courses. Kicked out of school. Prepare Pop."

Two days later he received a response: "Pop prepared. Prepare yourself."

这个必须顶，楼主辛苦了

::xt028:: 来顶顶。。